Just saying no.

Just saying no.

Saying no to giving up. Saying no to giving in to something that still sometimes consumes you.

Something someone very dear to me once said, was that I should set an expiry date on my anger. When a situation upsets you, or alters your life, you can survive, and sometimes even thrive on anger for a long, long time. But, eventually, it will eat you up inside.

Maybe it’s age. Maybe it’s wisdom. Maybe it’s a slighter clearer head. Maybe it’s just evolution.

Anyway, I’ve found, over the past few years, that yeah, I do still get blinding rages…But, I’ve learnt how to channel that anger. And live through it, and I find that I’m not angry after all. I know that anger is mostly (and most often) a mask for sadness or frustration. I’ve learnt to talk my way through my anger until I adequately identify the true emotion behind it. And then I feel that.

It sounds simple enough but, for me, it’s been a process that I have had to learn, very slowly.

There is one thing. One thing though, that I cannot let go of yet. And that anger is justified. I can find only sadness behind it, and my powerlessness towards the situation, despite my every intention to not be powerless about it. I cannot assuage that powerlessness. All I can do is live it.

So I’ve got angry, and I’ve found sadness. And I choose, every day, to feel that sadness unashamedly, and then to try and live as though it does not exist. I will not let it have power over me.

So, with that, I’ve set an expiry date on the anger. Once it’s gone, I will merely live to assimilate the sadness into my life (as I have to do with the grief I own over my parents…anyone who has lost someone they love – they know – you never get over death, you only ever get used to it…).

So that expiry date for this anger over this particular situation is set, and I’m going to keep to it. I’m doing nobody any favours keeping it. It will be gone. Soon.